Confession: My In-Laws Think He "Can Do Better"

ETIQUETTE From Bridal Guide

Confession: My In-Laws Think He “Can Do Better”

I come from a family that isn’t what you would call close. We all keep to ourselves and only meet up about once a year for the holidays. I’m also an only child. So, when I found out that my boyfriend had tight-knit family and multiple siblings, I was beyond excited and couldn’t wait to join a family who invested in each other.

Soon after meeting the man I knew I was going to marry, I flew to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving. I never though anything could go wrong but I still had this weird, nervous feeling my gut. I rationalized that I was getting frazzled because of the fact that these people would be my future in-laws – forever. My boyfriend at the time was also a bit nervous because I was the first woman he had ever dated and brought home to meet his parents.

Upon meeting my future mother-in-law, I noticed how quickly the conversation always steered back to her. I didn’t have a problem with this but it was becoming obvious to me that she wanted all the attention and it left a bad taste in my mouth. His father isn’t very talkative and his sister never even came downstairs to meet me (she stayed up in her room until dinner was served). I met one of his brothers, who seemed very nice, and I had spoken to another brother on the phone before, so I had officially been introduced to everyone at this point. We played games silently and I helped his mom make Thanksgiving dinner – which felt a lot like being in the kitchen with Gordon Ramsey – overall, it went fine.

However, the next few days were truly a mystery. I witnessed a lot of glares, awkward silence and hush-hush comments being made under his relatives’ breaths, all of which I didn’t think much of, until a few days later, when my future husband told me that his family simply didn’t like me. I was crushed.

The weeks that followed were some of the hardest we’ve ever had to get through. My boyfriend had to accept the idea that his family wasn’t supportive of him being with me and I was grappling with some strong feelings of rejection and hurt. I never had a problem with any of my former boyfriends’ families, I was always polite and respectful, and that usually led to them regarding me as a second daughter of sorts. Granted, that made the break-ups harder but this… this was a different ball game. It was something I had never dealt with and I was left trying to make sense of it all. What could be so wrong with me that they would be willing to judge me and dismiss me after such a short period of time?

Over the next year, we continued to date each other despite his family’s passionate animosity towards me. Things took a turn for the dramatic as they tried to convince him that I wasn’t “The One” and that he was making a huge mistake. They never said any of this to me directly and his family and I never had an in-person altercation, which only made the tension even worse, since I couldn’t address or it or convince them otherwise that I was the right person for their son.

He proposed to me right before Christmas and flew to his parents’ home a few days later, where he was met with a wall of disapproval and apathetic reaction towards the news. Once he returned, I couldn’t stop thinking of potential scenarios in which his family would sabotage our wedding or convince him to call if off. When I received a nasty e-mail from his sister detailing how much she loathed me and thought her brother could do better, my anxiety went into overdrive. I felt depressed, overwhelmed, and helpless as my fiancé did everything he could to quell his family’s fears and try to move forward with our wedding plans.

I vented to my fiancé, my mother, and all of my bridesmaids about what I could have possibly done to deserve such horrible treatment. They tried to give me well-intentioned advice that on our wedding day, it wouldn’t matter because it was only about the two of us. Although that is a lovely mantra in theory, quite frankly, it just wasn’t helping. I looked through every bridal blog, website, and magazine for some answers or advice but I couldn’t find anything that helped. I quickly realized that this is a taboo topic that is rarely brought up in the world of wedding etiquette: What if your in-laws just don’t like you and you don’t like them in return?

I even went so far as to ask a professional blogger what I should do. Her response: “Don’t let worry and your bad feelings about the situation turn into paranoia and ruin your day, or any of the days leading up to your day. You can only deal with what’s in front of you, and right now, that ain’t much.”

I was upset by the underlying assumption that it was me who was making up some imaginary drama. Deep down, I knew that I wasn’t being a bridezilla and that I had my reasons for being paranoid. I acknowledged that I didn’t have the worst situation known to man, but it was still MY situation nonetheless and I was approaching a full-blown meltdown.

One day, after a stressful conversation with his mother, my fiancé came to me in tears that he just didn’t know how we were going to make it as a couple with his parents being so dismissive of our relationship. I had finally had enough. Seeing your significant other break down is heartbreaking and knowing who caused the pain is infuriating. I finally realized that I wasn’t the problem – I wasn’t making my soon-to-be husband cry over his choice of who he loved. I could no longer let his family’s opinions or thoughts about me control my life.

I composed an e-mail to my MIL – I asked a few friends to vet it and make sure it was appropriate before I sent it out – that broke down our issues. At the end, I stated, “We need to work through this because if we both love, then we’ll both stop this atrocious behavior.” I never received a reply.

However, the phone calls stopped being about me and more about our wedding. My in-laws even offered to help out financially and things smoothed over within a month. The rest of the planning was tension-free and on the week of the wedding, they arrived in my hometown and helped in every way imaginable. Yes, his mother still attempted to steal the spotlight and almost accidentally caught my hair on fire (note to brides: keep sparklers always from MILs) and his sister was a pouting mess, but they simply couldn’t ruin our day.

I know I’m not the only bride who’s ever had to deal with contemptuous in-laws and my story isn’t even the worse in the bunch, but my advice would be to just let it go – especially the week of your wedding. You’re going to have so much more on your plate and your future moms/pops will only be background noise at that point. If you can let it go before then, kudos to you.

Quite frankly, the only behavior you can control is yours and how you react to them. After discovering that my in-laws didn’t approve of me, I made the choice to be the bigger person and never engage in any sort of back-and-forth. While sometimes I failed, most of the time, it did keep me from saying things to them that I would have eventually regretted, especially now that I’m married. The note I ended up sending was less accusatory and more focused on my willingness to make things work, as well as my admission that I might have things to work on as well.

Also, please know that your significant other isn’t marrying you for their family or for your family. They’re marrying you for you – and that’s all that matters. If your significant other loves you enough to put a ring on it, don’t let the haters get to you. You’re the person they chose to spend the rest of their lives with; not their mother, not their sisters, not their grandparents, but you. Please remember why you’re getting married in the first place and let them eat cake.

Good news: My story does have a happy ending. Now that we’re married, the in-law situation has improved, partly because of the 1,000+ miles between us and h8is family. While his mother does get a bit nosy about our future tiny human plans and when I’m going to get a new job, all in all, it’s settled down quite nicely. I continue to make the conscious decision to “let it go”. My husband is the only one whose opinion I care about and our goal is to always bring out the best in each other. If that means I have to accept that I’m a bit of a controlling nag who needs to change a little, then that’s just fine.

Here Comes The Brides!

HERE COMES THE BRIDESMAIDS!

David Tutera, star of WETv’ “My Fair Wedding,” tells you how to treat and care for these precious members of the wedding party

When you select your bridesmaids – whether one or a dozen – you are choosing people you truly care about, who share a deep connection with you. And just as your bridesmaids have specific wedding responsibilities, you my dear bride, have a responsibility to your girls.

♡ Choose Wisely

Now is not the time to make any bridal-party decisions you may regret. If you are choosing between someone you knew in college and a new sibling-in-law, remember that a part of your new life as a spouse-to-be is to put family first – including his. Your friends may not be there forever, but your sister-in-law will be. So if you are pressured to choose a family member (even if you would rather not), bend. You will thank me later when she’s not giving you the look over the Thanksgiving dinner table, still upset that you did not give her the honor of wearing the lavender dress or ask her to fluff your train. That your first priority is your new family is something everyone will totally understand.

♡ Be Upfront

Once you’ve decided on your bridal party, ask each potential ‘maid individually. Ask with kindness and respect. This will set the tone for the wedding planning to come, and serve as a preview to how the experience will play out for all of you. Clearly lay out the groundwork as you see it. A bridesmaid can’t just show up one day and be in the wedding! Have all your information in place, so there will be no uncomfortable moments as the months unfold. Are you, my bride, paying for the bridesmaids’ attire? If not, what will your bridesmaids be expected to lay out for the fabulous dresses you have your eye on? What about hair and makeup services on the big day? If you’re thinking about a bridal shower and/or bachelorette party, who in the party will be taking the lead in handling all the details the details and logistics – and what are the financial expectations?

♡ Be Nice

My grandmother always said, “Treat others the way you would like to be treated,” – and that is precisely what you, my dear bride, should be doing for your bridesmaids. Get off to a good start with a fun and festive dinner or spa get-together. Bridesmaids’ gifts are always appreciated, especially when they are unique to each girl. Include your ‘maids in planning details, but let them breathe. Okay, so maybe the tasting you just had wasn’t quite up to snuff, or the flowers you had your heart set on are out of season. Go ahead and vent to your bridesmaids for a moment, then move on. They are members of your bridal party, and while they are a support system, they are not your indentured servants!

♡ Universal Truths

It should go without saying that you should look for bridesmaids’ dresses that flatter all body types, as opposed to looks more at home on a runway. Take individual style into account, rather than insisting on a cookie-cutter approach to hair and makeup come wedding day. Finally, always remember that your girls are giving up a significant amount of time to be in your bridal party. So make it count in the best way possible.

David’s rule of thumb: Don’t overburden your ‘maids with too many tasks. You’ve chosen them because they are special to you, so treat them with love.

7 Must Have Bachelorette Party Props

Bachelorette Parties

7 Must-Have Bachelorette Pary Props

Don’t head out for the bachelorette bash without packing a proper bag of tricks. Here’s what to bring. – By Amy Elliott

Wondering what to bring to the bachelorette bash? At your average bawdy bride’s send-off, you’re likely to find a bevy of beads, boas, phallic references, and bad behavior. As you gear up for the hoopla, you can pull out all of the stops or cut a few corners. Here’s the final word on what to put into your bachelorette bag of tricks:

♡ The Headpiece

You want everyone you encounter – the limo driver, the mini-mart clerk, bartenders, and cute guys at bars—to know what’s coming when they see your hooting entourage. Mini-veils are the most popular ways to make the bride stand out, but you can also have her wear a glitzy tiara, a bride hat, or better yet, a hilarious wig.

♡ The Dare-to-Do List

Create and bring a list of missions for the bride to fulfill throughout the evening. A scavenger hunt version requires the bride to score such items as a condom, five men’s business cards, a pair of boxer shorts, and other loot. The dare’s list might include goofy—but not completely humiliating—acts such as serenading an unsuspecting stranger, dancing on a table, or crank-calling an ex-boyfriend.

♡ Suck-For-a-Buck Accessory

Pack a candy necklace for the bride to wear. This classic bachelorette party stunt requires enlisting random willing males to remove the candies from the bride’s neck… with their teeth. The charge is $1 per bite. Can’t find a necklace? Just glue wrapped candies to the T-shirt and make the bride wear that instead.

♡ A Bit of Burlesque

Add a hint of hooker to the bachelorette’s outfit to make her feel dangerous, daring, and fabulously embarrassed. A feather boa is perfect. Encourage all guests to bring a naughty accessory or article of clothing for the bachelorette to wear at some point during the evening.

♡ Blow-up Doll

He’s the only male guest allowed at the party. The best part? He’s naked. Make the bachelorette carry him around all night – some groups choose to handcuff him to her wrist (don’t lose the key). The blow-up doll is also a great way to liven up at-home soirees, where drunken men won’t be available for harassment.

♡ X-Rated Essentials

Fearing that trip to the sex shop? Scaling a jungle full of penis paraphernalia can quickly become overwhelming. Our advice: Make a beeline for the penis sipper (A.K.A. “dickie sippie”) and straws. Since the bachelorette is likely to be boozing it up all night, these items make the most sense, provides a constant laugh, and allow everyone to get in on the phallic fun (there are six straws per pack).

♡ Disposable Cameras

When the party is over, the energy and excitement of the night will be reduced to a few fuzzy moments. So don’t let a single minute of the evening’s debauchery go undocumented. Bring at least two cameras so that no explicit scenes get censored. The maid of honor should be in charge of retrieving the cameras at the end of the night to guard them from any blackmail-prone situations.

6 Easy Ways to Document Your Bachelorette Party

Bachelorette Parties

6 Easy Ways to Document Your Bachelorette Party

Good news: You don’t have to try to remember the entire night. Just put a few of these easy suggestions into action at your bachelorette party. – By Justine Lorelle Blanchard

♡ Designate “Bachelorette Photographers” for the Evening

Yes, everyone likely has a smartphone, but how about a little throwback fun? Give each girl a disposable camera for the evening or weekend, then have your maid of honor collect the cameras at the end of the party to have them developed and made into an album. Not into the disposable camera idea? Set up an official bachelorette party weekend photo stream on your phone for everyone to add their personal shots.

♡ Have a Bachelorette Party Photo Shoot

Go all out and give your friends the model treatment by hiring your wedding photographer or enlisting a friend to stage a bachelorette party photo shoot. To really spice it up, give the shoot a theme and encourage your ladies to dress the part—think old-Hollywood glamour dresses or Boho-chic with flower crowns and fringe. You could even make it into an activity, like a primping session before a night out or a messy bake-off for some fun action shots.

♡ Get Kitschy Bachelorette Party T-Shirts

Get bachelorette party T-shirts, flash tattoos or buttons made for everyone—an especially funny idea if your bachelorette party involves traveling in public together. Come up with your own message (“Amy’s Wedding Crew!”) or have a funny photo of the bride screen-printed on them. (And make sure hers is labeled “BRIDE!”)

♡ Create a Ladies-Only Party Playlist

Set the mood from the start by putting together a playlist for the evening. Include pre party songs, a couple high-energy lets-go-nuts songs for the beginning of the night, your all-time favorite girly songs, and a few hangover-helper tunes for the morning after. Make a copy for each of your girls so you can all relive the night whenever you listen to it.

♡ Rent Top-Notch Photo Equipment

As amazing as iPhone cameras are, your bachelorette party is a special occasion that calls for high quality photos. If you want to avoid hiring a professional photographer, but don’t have your own snazzy camera, Lumoid has just what you need! This camera equipment company lets you select and rent the perfect photo and video equipment to document your bash. When your wild weekend is over, simply return everything with Lumoid’s prepaid return label. Genius, right?

♡ Don’t Miss Out on a Group Shot!

Make a point to get a group photo of you with all your bachelorette party guests. After a raucous bachelorette party weekend, send them a thank-you email or card with the photo attached.

Bridal Showers - 16 Do's and Don'ts of Planning a Bridal Shower

Bridal Showers

16 Dos and Don’ts of Planning a Bridal Shower

If you’re taking on the task of honoring a bride with a shower, start here for exactly what to do (and what not to do) to plan the perfect party.

♡ Do take the initiative to plan it. Don’t plan the entire thing yourself.

Whether you’re the honor attendant or a family member, it’s never a bad idea to get the bridal shower conversation going (and the earlier the better!). But just because you’re game to coordinate and lead the challenge doesn’t mean you have to take it all on yourself. Enlist the other members of the bridal party and even the families of the bride and groom to give input and help out too. The best way to go about it is to get everyone together and ask what each person wants to help with instead of assigning duties. Anyone who is hosting should be included on the invitation as well.

♡ Do organize a theme or group activity

♡ Don’t make the bride uncomfortable

Having a bridal shower theme or planning out a group activity will make the planning easier, and it’s a talking point to bring together college friends and grandparents. But before you start making plans to have a sex toy demonstration or take everyone bungee jumping, ask the bride if there’s anything they would be uncomfortable with. If it turns out they’re anti-tradition and want to have a get-together that doesn’t include the classic games or gifts, then you should respect that and come up with something they’ll enjoy—even if it isn’t your thing.

♡ Do pick a date early on.

♡ Don’t forget to ask the VIPs for their availability.

Even if you’re planning to wait to host the bridal shower until shortly before the wedding, you’re going to want to make sure you pick a time when most, if not everyone, can come. Figuring out multiple schedules can be a lot of back and forth, so it’s best to start early and pick a date way in advance. Depending on where guests live, they may need to make travel plans, but if most people are local, you have more options. It’s possible not everyone will be able to come, but there are at least a few people in the immediate family and the honor attendant who should definitely be there, so their schedules might be the deal breaker.

♡ Do ask the bride for their guest list.

♡ Don’t invite anyone who isn’t invited to the wedding.

Instead of starting from scratch, you should ask the bride to help out or make suggestions for the guest list. But before you send out invites, just do a quick double-check that everyone who’s being invited to the bridal shower will also be invited to the wedding to avoid any hurt feelings.

♡ Do give some guidelines for gifts.

♡ Don’t make the gift giving too raunchy.

Come up with a theme for the gift giving that ties in with the party. Share the couple’s registry info, but let guests know they don’t have to just stick to that if they have something else in mind – the bride might also love off-registry items, like activities for their honeymoon or gear for all of their hiking adventures. Our only advice here: Remind guests that the shower is an all ages affair, and while something tongue-in-cheek, like an artful karma sutra coffee-table book, will probably go over okay, you may want to avoid anything outright naughty, like sex toys and triple X-rated lingerie (save those fun goodies for the bachelorette party!).

♡ Do send shower invitations.

♡ Don’t go overboard on the paper.

Once you have all the logistics together, you should definitely send out invitations, even if most of the guests have helped out with planning the bridal shower. If a lot of guests are coming from out of town, the earlier you send them, the better—at least two months before if not earlier; if most people are local, four to six weeks should be just fine. That doesn’t mean you have to go nuts with the invites—those cute ready-made cards available at any card store are great. And you can even go paperless for this one with the help of a graphic designer or an evite service.

♡ Do serve something to nibble on.

♡ Don’t cater an entire meal (unless you want to!)

Having some type of food is a must, whether it’s inspired by breakfast for dinner or a sweets table. Consider catering if you’re throwing a large party, but you could even make some of the main dishes and then supplement with catering additions, or have other guests contribute as a potluck. As long as the party doesn’t cover all of dinnertime, for example, you don’t have to serve a full meal. Light snacks or hors d’oeuvres or a continental breakfast of pastries, fruit and coffee are plenty. Just let guests know on the invite so they’re prepared.

♡ Do have a loose schedule.

♡ Don’t make it too detailed or strict.

Keep the momentum rolling by having a general idea of what you’ll do at the beginning, middle and end of the shower. You may need to enlist the help of some other hosts for the gift-giving porting (you’ll need at least two people—one to bring each gift to the bride and another to write down who gave what). Just because you have a plan doesn’t mean you have to control every single second. If The Newlywed Game inspires everyone to share their own hilarious stories, let it roll. But having a plan is helpful in case there’s an unexpected lull in the party.